Humble

There's something very humbling about being human, simple and obvious. No matter how high we place ourselves, we will always come tumbling down and see that we were just fine way down here.

To wait.

It's strange how I fear order over chaos. I think in the quiet still night, I fear the likeliness of an erupting volcano greatens. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to suffer though, with how much I am blessed in everything else. That's not being conceided either. I am blessed beyond measure, much more than most people I know.  For this reason alone, I find my greatest despair. Maybe it's my dramatic nature or maybe it's my deep deep pessimisticness rising up, but I feel like with how screwed up my past is (my uncomfortably close past, that is), I should be suffering. But instead, God bestows to me this bountiful plate of just about everything I need or at least the tools to get there.

I fear so many things. Greatness. Power. Leadership. Love. I feel like so many of these things I've stumbled into, yet, I never was shown what to do with them; how to handle them. Isn't that the beauty of it though, in a way? If greatness and power and leadership and love were taught, strictly, then they really wouldn't have the same meaning they do. They are unique in their own ways, all with so many variables. Uncertainty.

I grew up in uncertainty. I still am. Uncertainty in a way is a synonym for fear in my life. Fear of love. Fear of responsibility. Fear of becoming what others have become.
If we were to get more specific: Fear of whether or not my family would have a home every month. Fear of what my brother will become, given our circumstances. Fear of what I'll become given my circumstance; given my mistakes.

You ever make a mistake so bad, you wonder if you'll always be haunted, influenced, and directed by that one bad decision? I know most things are a "jack-up. fix. jack-up. fix". But there's those select few that are just...digging at your mind. "Why, oh why, did I do that?" or "Why, oh why, did I not do that?"

Yes, it's true. I dwell too long on my mistakes and fears, etc, etc.
I just wish I knew how to fix them, my way. Waiting is so infuriating. But, I know it's the only way out of my mess.




To wait. The exasperating key. The bothersome truth. The...tantalizing answer.
It sucks.

I will though. Prayer and waiting seem to be the only hope I've got.

Change your view of something, and the things you view shall change.

I really hope that's true.

breathe

it's crazy. how one minute you can give in full detail the person you don't want to be, revealing a mental picture of the one you DO want to be, and the next minute, you are what you said you hated in the first place.

sometimes...a lot of times...you get a big head, without ever knowing it. and sometimes, you just have to take a step back and a deep breath and start all over again.

someone wise once said "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall".

right on Confucious. right on.

wait.

just got done watching the movie "The Terminal", i think it's called, with Tom Hanks.
the entire movie is about Tom Hanks' character's unfathomable patience.

patience.

no one ever paints a masterpiece in a second.
no one ever writes and records a masterpiece in a second.
no one ever writes a masterpiece novel in a second.
no one can.

God never works on our time. not usually. cause honestly, and bluntly, it's not about us.
deal with it.
you either wait or are just asking to be disappointed.

inspired.

very rarely, just ever little once in a while, something crosses our path. something that catches our eyes. our ears. our hearts. intrigues us. pulls our focus. this thing is incredible. it does something to us that changes worlds.

it inspires us.

i'm finding out more and more that we a lot of times are so blessed, we start forgeting we're blessed at all. or in this case, we're so content [and just content] with the things all around us, we start missing the really good things.

i saw a girl tonight, who i thought was the most beautiful thing I've ever layed eyes upon, and all at once all the music i could ever want or dream to write came flowing through my head.

inspiration. true inspiration.

one of the best saying ever?
"We need to have to the bad, cause without it, we wouldn't see what's good"

next time an inspiration swings by me, i'm gonna go after it.

Hmm

Do you ever fear you'll end up alone. The thought comes and goes for me. I don't know what it is. On a casual, friendly, very shielded level...a safe level, I love talking to people. Engaging people. But something about me...I can be vulnerable, just not forever. Maybe because I fear so much that others will leave me, I leave them before they can leave me.
And it's not that I really leave, yet I still do, in a weird way.
You see, I tell myself that I'm nothing like my Dad, and so by not literally leaving people, it's like I'm not like him. But me avoiding people, not seeking them out, etc, etc...it's the same thing.

I fear a lot of things. So many things. Why do I constantly question if the Lord is real if I so often find my shelter in Him. Is He real? Am I good enough, cause I don't feel like I am.
I feel like everyone missing something with this God thing, if He really does exist. Why do we complicate things? Love is all you need. All we need. It's at the center of everything the Bible teaches. No good ever came from anything else at all.
Love is our only hope, so why not love in everything?

I don't want to be alone. I'm not. But if I keep down this road, my luck won't keep up forever.