To wait.

It's strange how I fear order over chaos. I think in the quiet still night, I fear the likeliness of an erupting volcano greatens. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to suffer though, with how much I am blessed in everything else. That's not being conceided either. I am blessed beyond measure, much more than most people I know.  For this reason alone, I find my greatest despair. Maybe it's my dramatic nature or maybe it's my deep deep pessimisticness rising up, but I feel like with how screwed up my past is (my uncomfortably close past, that is), I should be suffering. But instead, God bestows to me this bountiful plate of just about everything I need or at least the tools to get there.

I fear so many things. Greatness. Power. Leadership. Love. I feel like so many of these things I've stumbled into, yet, I never was shown what to do with them; how to handle them. Isn't that the beauty of it though, in a way? If greatness and power and leadership and love were taught, strictly, then they really wouldn't have the same meaning they do. They are unique in their own ways, all with so many variables. Uncertainty.

I grew up in uncertainty. I still am. Uncertainty in a way is a synonym for fear in my life. Fear of love. Fear of responsibility. Fear of becoming what others have become.
If we were to get more specific: Fear of whether or not my family would have a home every month. Fear of what my brother will become, given our circumstances. Fear of what I'll become given my circumstance; given my mistakes.

You ever make a mistake so bad, you wonder if you'll always be haunted, influenced, and directed by that one bad decision? I know most things are a "jack-up. fix. jack-up. fix". But there's those select few that are just...digging at your mind. "Why, oh why, did I do that?" or "Why, oh why, did I not do that?"

Yes, it's true. I dwell too long on my mistakes and fears, etc, etc.
I just wish I knew how to fix them, my way. Waiting is so infuriating. But, I know it's the only way out of my mess.




To wait. The exasperating key. The bothersome truth. The...tantalizing answer.
It sucks.

I will though. Prayer and waiting seem to be the only hope I've got.