Why am I doing this? What's the point of it anyway. I see myself, my mirage, across this chasm...and though I cross it, I always wake up back on the other end; the end with no light. It's as if the side in which I reside most, this darkness, is where I belong. Like I started here, and therefore forever I'll be drawn to it. It's my home. My first peace, for I was born in it. It's all I've ever know.
The other side of the canyon was something else. Something different. Not necessarily brighter, but definitely a bit...eye-opening. Things don't seem to blend together anymore or blur at the edges. Things have ridges. Depth. Am I awake for the first time.
This other other side, where I first saw my mirage, offers clarity. Offers hope. Offers something I wasn't aware I needed or even existed. Now, I look back, and see it all. All the hopelessness. What's there to live for there? Science? Wealth? And what does that mean once we're gone. Nothing at all.
I see the mirage again. But it is no mirage. It's real. It's me, and all I could ever become, and now, it's in reach. There is no chasm, there is no wall. It's here, right in front of me. But bits and pieces of my past dig inside me, like thick splinters. Others have crossed the chasm and brought with them, knowledgably, the darkness from the past. They spread it, like a disease. They infect and laugh it off, ignorantly.
I keep falling back, further and further, deeper and deeper backwards, until I'm no longer on either side, but in the chasm...in the deep, deep pit.
And what can I do?
Endure.
