In My Mind Nowadays...

...circulating way too many times, are these new-found thoughts. Thoughts that I had thought in the past were so very relative and unrealistic and meant only for my future when I was an adult and on my own. Surprisingly enough, I woke up today realizing I'm now to that point. And now these thoughts that I had thought were so very far down the road for me, are, well, on the same patch of road I'm now upon.

And college has brought a fear I had yet to run in to.
When I arrived here, I realized that I underestimated the "a freshman again, starting over, at the bottom, etc, etc" that you hear oh so very often. I was alone, or at least attacked by the feeling of it. To come from a place where everyone knows everyone, and now to a place where I have to remake all my friends, more or less, feels adolescent and foreign and horrifying.
The cold fact that I was on my own in the sense of being an adult for the first time. Back home, I'm man enough to declare that I was a hardcore Momma's boy, and boy did I enjoy being waited on hand and foot.

Don't get me wrong. My sweet, sweet, angelic Mother was in no sense of the word my slave, but definitely took very care of me: an act I will have a hard time following, but intend completely to.
So coming to college on my own, living on my own, meant taking care of myself on my own. It meant being completely responsible for everything.
Lastly, who am I? What do I stand for? Am I womanizing, douche-hog prick with no morals or thought processes? Am I a bookworm who puts studies ahead and makes no friends for the sake of my education? Am I a suck-up, as I have been called so many times before? Am I Christian? Am I really a Christian? Was I ever?

Finding my identity has been so trivial for me, even back home, but especially in the last month. Which is why, I think for every boy and girl, the thought of having a significant other seems like it would help solve all problems.
I've definitely gone that road before. Date a person to fill a gap they were never made to fill, which explains the constant thought of a pretty lady friend to date on my mind.
There comes a point in every person's life, I think, where you decide what you're going to live for. For a while, and even now, I have struggled so much, living for the acceptance and expectations of other people. The idea that to please others will please me and all my aches and pains.

C.S. Lewis said it good to my heart...

"Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires
exists. A baby feels hunger; well there is such a thing as food; a duckling
wants to swim; well there is such a thing as water, etc. If I find myself a
desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable
explanation is that I was made for another world. Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well there is such a thing as food; a duckling wants to swim; well there is such a thing as water, etc. If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world..."

I've found that when push comes to shove, you cannot solve a spiritual problem with physical remedies. And by that, I only mean that if your identity crisis goes down as far as your spirit, no person will ever fix that before they find God. Or more realistically...just stop looking for everything else.

Saturday night.

I think it's human nature to make things more complicated. To over think things. To try and make things more than what they are, even if they would be fine just the way they were. Kind of like the intro to this blog.

I've sat and sat and sat for hours, in anger, just going over and over about how mad and confused I am about my father. Why he left in the first place. Why he can't do this and why he does that. I've thought about how different we were and tried to take every possible measure to make sure it stayed that way. In a way I envy the children with the "cool" parents. The ones you wish were your parents. At least for my Dad I do. A lot. I don't wish he wasn't my dad, just that he wasn't the way he is. So...in a way, I do wish for a new dad.

To clarify why I am writing this, it's for one reason. So I remember the feeling I have this early Sunday morning. I'm not that different at all from my father. In the ways that he fell short though, I won't. I can take where he failed and I can prosper. And the man my father is...I'll live with.
He told me tonight that he sits at home alone, just thinking about how alone he is.
I sit at home, surrounded by people, just thinking about how alone I am.

I love my father so much, and he's a good person, and so am I. Just because my dad screwed the beginning of his story doesn't mean it has to a sad ending. And it won't.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I don't always believe in the Lord, and I don't always believe in myself, but lately I've been telling myself something.
There are two kinds of people in this world. One who sees love as chemical reactions and neuron impulses exploding in the brain and nothing more. And then there's another person who sees love as something more. Something intangible. Something beyond comprehension. Something divine.
I'm the second person, and one who believe in a love like that can't deny a God.