I can't do it. I just can't. There's this twinge in my heart; in my lungs, that I cannot move nor shift. It's like there's food stuck in my throat. Like I bit a huge piece and no matter what I do, I can't find any water, and the glass is right in front of me. Like I'm missing something right in front of me. Something in my heart. In my spirit. Air just can't reach my lungs. Salt in my wound, and for some reason, I just keep pouring. What is it? Why?
I'm on the verge of breaking down. I've conviced myself for too long that cutting these corners is alright. I mean, who isn't? What's wrong with me? What kind of a Christian says that? What kind of a man running full force at God just stops and begins making his own path just inches from the real one? What have I become? What have we become?
We've blended our lives, our cares, our...addictions, with this pure ideal, and out, instead of a beatifully selfish blend, comes this blob. Of insignificant, impure, childish thoughts. There's nothing pure anymore at all. That's the point of becoming new. Letting go, completely, of the things of this world...and yet, I just can't seem to. What's my problem? Where's my reasoning? Where's my freaking brain?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Calm
Not once did I think I’d find peace in a place like this. Desolate and barren, free from man, fields of earth that flowed almost endlessly. Nature roamed the way it was supposed to, the way it was created to. It didn’t have to adapt to the ways of the world. It just was.
Truth is, I didn’t even want to go there. Truth is, I didn’t want any part of it, to be honest. I was so mad, and so bitter, and so envious. It seemed like everyone else got sad, and then got happy, but I was stuck at this all time low, forever, without hope. This fall, this deep rivet I was in, that I told myself was all my fault. I was so mad at God. My heart felt so heavy with this hate that it felt almost as if the hinges by which my heart hung in my chest could not hold the weight of my heavy heart much longer, and with any more sadness, it would fall so much farther than I ever could have thought possible.
I was stuck, in the middle of this dark, musky, damp cell, and it seemed as if there was no escape. But there was something about this place, away all other things. Sadness coupled with that peace, knowing that not only had I ever seen such beauty, but also that very soon, knowing how the world goes, most of it would all very soon disappear forever. Already, little signs had been popping up here and there of man’s compulsive drive of expansion as we drove along the country road. Oil wells scattered the Texas plains, blemishing the serene landscape. Texas had uniqueness to it, one that can’t be found in most other places around the world. And shockingly, it felt as if in my heart, as we drove towards the ocean, our one day at the ocean, that quite possibly, this terrible trip I resented, might be my one way out. Out of this stupid rut.
As we reached the final stretch of road leading up to this quintessential point of my trip, I readied myself to immaturely run as fast as I could to the beach as if I’d never see a beach again. But this place, that I told myself would do no good for me, became the exactly the point I was waiting for. As the van came to a halting stop, the doors opened, letting in a serene, crisp air. A perfect blend of heavy country plants and light ocean air rushed past my face. My senses went nearly berserk. The warmth of the dusk sunlight shone upon my face and arms, opposing the cold blowing air inside the van, sending goosebumps up and down my arms, and chills down my spine. Tranquility had arrived unexpectedly. As my feet fell and met the paved road outside, sand instantly collected between my sandal and I. Sand that had been so ignorantly misplaced. So uncomfortable, but I didn’t care. I ran as fast as my feet could carry, and I didn’t know why. I just felt that whatever I was looking for, just might be here. As the hard concrete stopped, God’s natural unstable earth began to support me. I stopped for a moment to take off my sandals. Every step kicked more of it into the air, like dust, as it calmly fell back down, gently into place. Soft, yet strong, the grains of sand together created a beautiful beige masterpiece. Then, next came the greatest part of all. My feet began to sink in the more soggy sand, waterlogged and drenched. As the free-flowing cerulean waves receded, I prepared for them to flow right back. The chilly water surged and flowed around my feet and toes, sending once again chill down my spine. Wind swiftly wrapped my body, like arms around my chest. I was finally free, free as the place where I stood. I was finally calm.
Truth is, I didn’t even want to go there. Truth is, I didn’t want any part of it, to be honest. I was so mad, and so bitter, and so envious. It seemed like everyone else got sad, and then got happy, but I was stuck at this all time low, forever, without hope. This fall, this deep rivet I was in, that I told myself was all my fault. I was so mad at God. My heart felt so heavy with this hate that it felt almost as if the hinges by which my heart hung in my chest could not hold the weight of my heavy heart much longer, and with any more sadness, it would fall so much farther than I ever could have thought possible.
I was stuck, in the middle of this dark, musky, damp cell, and it seemed as if there was no escape. But there was something about this place, away all other things. Sadness coupled with that peace, knowing that not only had I ever seen such beauty, but also that very soon, knowing how the world goes, most of it would all very soon disappear forever. Already, little signs had been popping up here and there of man’s compulsive drive of expansion as we drove along the country road. Oil wells scattered the Texas plains, blemishing the serene landscape. Texas had uniqueness to it, one that can’t be found in most other places around the world. And shockingly, it felt as if in my heart, as we drove towards the ocean, our one day at the ocean, that quite possibly, this terrible trip I resented, might be my one way out. Out of this stupid rut.
As we reached the final stretch of road leading up to this quintessential point of my trip, I readied myself to immaturely run as fast as I could to the beach as if I’d never see a beach again. But this place, that I told myself would do no good for me, became the exactly the point I was waiting for. As the van came to a halting stop, the doors opened, letting in a serene, crisp air. A perfect blend of heavy country plants and light ocean air rushed past my face. My senses went nearly berserk. The warmth of the dusk sunlight shone upon my face and arms, opposing the cold blowing air inside the van, sending goosebumps up and down my arms, and chills down my spine. Tranquility had arrived unexpectedly. As my feet fell and met the paved road outside, sand instantly collected between my sandal and I. Sand that had been so ignorantly misplaced. So uncomfortable, but I didn’t care. I ran as fast as my feet could carry, and I didn’t know why. I just felt that whatever I was looking for, just might be here. As the hard concrete stopped, God’s natural unstable earth began to support me. I stopped for a moment to take off my sandals. Every step kicked more of it into the air, like dust, as it calmly fell back down, gently into place. Soft, yet strong, the grains of sand together created a beautiful beige masterpiece. Then, next came the greatest part of all. My feet began to sink in the more soggy sand, waterlogged and drenched. As the free-flowing cerulean waves receded, I prepared for them to flow right back. The chilly water surged and flowed around my feet and toes, sending once again chill down my spine. Wind swiftly wrapped my body, like arms around my chest. I was finally free, free as the place where I stood. I was finally calm.
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