breathe

it's crazy. how one minute you can give in full detail the person you don't want to be, revealing a mental picture of the one you DO want to be, and the next minute, you are what you said you hated in the first place.

sometimes...a lot of times...you get a big head, without ever knowing it. and sometimes, you just have to take a step back and a deep breath and start all over again.

someone wise once said "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall".

right on Confucious. right on.

wait.

just got done watching the movie "The Terminal", i think it's called, with Tom Hanks.
the entire movie is about Tom Hanks' character's unfathomable patience.

patience.

no one ever paints a masterpiece in a second.
no one ever writes and records a masterpiece in a second.
no one ever writes a masterpiece novel in a second.
no one can.

God never works on our time. not usually. cause honestly, and bluntly, it's not about us.
deal with it.
you either wait or are just asking to be disappointed.

inspired.

very rarely, just ever little once in a while, something crosses our path. something that catches our eyes. our ears. our hearts. intrigues us. pulls our focus. this thing is incredible. it does something to us that changes worlds.

it inspires us.

i'm finding out more and more that we a lot of times are so blessed, we start forgeting we're blessed at all. or in this case, we're so content [and just content] with the things all around us, we start missing the really good things.

i saw a girl tonight, who i thought was the most beautiful thing I've ever layed eyes upon, and all at once all the music i could ever want or dream to write came flowing through my head.

inspiration. true inspiration.

one of the best saying ever?
"We need to have to the bad, cause without it, we wouldn't see what's good"

next time an inspiration swings by me, i'm gonna go after it.

Hmm

Do you ever fear you'll end up alone. The thought comes and goes for me. I don't know what it is. On a casual, friendly, very shielded level...a safe level, I love talking to people. Engaging people. But something about me...I can be vulnerable, just not forever. Maybe because I fear so much that others will leave me, I leave them before they can leave me.
And it's not that I really leave, yet I still do, in a weird way.
You see, I tell myself that I'm nothing like my Dad, and so by not literally leaving people, it's like I'm not like him. But me avoiding people, not seeking them out, etc, etc...it's the same thing.

I fear a lot of things. So many things. Why do I constantly question if the Lord is real if I so often find my shelter in Him. Is He real? Am I good enough, cause I don't feel like I am.
I feel like everyone missing something with this God thing, if He really does exist. Why do we complicate things? Love is all you need. All we need. It's at the center of everything the Bible teaches. No good ever came from anything else at all.
Love is our only hope, so why not love in everything?

I don't want to be alone. I'm not. But if I keep down this road, my luck won't keep up forever.

Endure

Why am I doing this? What's the point of it anyway. I see myself, my mirage, across this chasm...and though I cross it, I always wake up back on the other end; the end with no light. It's as if the side in which I reside most, this darkness, is where I belong. Like I started here, and therefore forever I'll be drawn to it. It's my home. My first peace, for I was born in it. It's all I've ever know.

The other side of the canyon was something else. Something different. Not necessarily brighter, but definitely a bit...eye-opening. Things don't seem to blend together anymore or blur at the edges. Things have ridges. Depth. Am I awake for the first time.
This other other side, where I first saw my mirage, offers clarity. Offers hope. Offers something I wasn't aware I needed or even existed. Now, I look back, and see it all. All the hopelessness. What's there to live for there? Science? Wealth? And what does that mean once we're gone. Nothing at all.

I see the mirage again. But it is no mirage. It's real. It's me, and all I could ever become, and now, it's in reach. There is no chasm, there is no wall. It's here, right in front of me. But bits and pieces of my past dig inside me, like thick splinters. Others have crossed the chasm and brought with them, knowledgably, the darkness from the past. They spread it, like a disease. They infect and laugh it off, ignorantly.

I keep falling back, further and further, deeper and deeper backwards, until I'm no longer on either side, but in the chasm...in the deep, deep pit.
And what can I do?

Endure.

jacked up.

I can't do it. I just can't. There's this twinge in my heart; in my lungs, that I cannot move nor shift. It's like there's food stuck in my throat. Like I bit a huge piece and no matter what I do, I can't find any water, and the glass is right in front of me. Like I'm missing something right in front of me. Something in my heart. In my spirit. Air just can't reach my lungs. Salt in my wound, and for some reason, I just keep pouring. What is it? Why?

I'm on the verge of breaking down. I've conviced myself for too long that cutting these corners is alright. I mean, who isn't? What's wrong with me? What kind of a Christian says that? What kind of a man running full force at God just stops and begins making his own path just inches from the real one? What have I become? What have we become?

We've blended our lives, our cares, our...addictions, with this pure ideal, and out, instead of a beatifully selfish blend, comes this blob. Of insignificant, impure, childish thoughts. There's nothing pure anymore at all. That's the point of becoming new. Letting go, completely, of the things of this world...and yet, I just can't seem to. What's my problem? Where's my reasoning? Where's my freaking brain?

The Calm

Not once did I think I’d find peace in a place like this. Desolate and barren, free from man, fields of earth that flowed almost endlessly. Nature roamed the way it was supposed to, the way it was created to. It didn’t have to adapt to the ways of the world. It just was.

Truth is, I didn’t even want to go there. Truth is, I didn’t want any part of it, to be honest. I was so mad, and so bitter, and so envious. It seemed like everyone else got sad, and then got happy, but I was stuck at this all time low, forever, without hope. This fall, this deep rivet I was in, that I told myself was all my fault. I was so mad at God. My heart felt so heavy with this hate that it felt almost as if the hinges by which my heart hung in my chest could not hold the weight of my heavy heart much longer, and with any more sadness, it would fall so much farther than I ever could have thought possible.

I was stuck, in the middle of this dark, musky, damp cell, and it seemed as if there was no escape. But there was something about this place, away all other things. Sadness coupled with that peace, knowing that not only had I ever seen such beauty, but also that very soon, knowing how the world goes, most of it would all very soon disappear forever. Already, little signs had been popping up here and there of man’s compulsive drive of expansion as we drove along the country road. Oil wells scattered the Texas plains, blemishing the serene landscape. Texas had uniqueness to it, one that can’t be found in most other places around the world. And shockingly, it felt as if in my heart, as we drove towards the ocean, our one day at the ocean, that quite possibly, this terrible trip I resented, might be my one way out. Out of this stupid rut.

As we reached the final stretch of road leading up to this quintessential point of my trip, I readied myself to immaturely run as fast as I could to the beach as if I’d never see a beach again. But this place, that I told myself would do no good for me, became the exactly the point I was waiting for. As the van came to a halting stop, the doors opened, letting in a serene, crisp air. A perfect blend of heavy country plants and light ocean air rushed past my face. My senses went nearly berserk. The warmth of the dusk sunlight shone upon my face and arms, opposing the cold blowing air inside the van, sending goosebumps up and down my arms, and chills down my spine. Tranquility had arrived unexpectedly. As my feet fell and met the paved road outside, sand instantly collected between my sandal and I. Sand that had been so ignorantly misplaced. So uncomfortable, but I didn’t care. I ran as fast as my feet could carry, and I didn’t know why. I just felt that whatever I was looking for, just might be here. As the hard concrete stopped, God’s natural unstable earth began to support me. I stopped for a moment to take off my sandals. Every step kicked more of it into the air, like dust, as it calmly fell back down, gently into place. Soft, yet strong, the grains of sand together created a beautiful beige masterpiece. Then, next came the greatest part of all. My feet began to sink in the more soggy sand, waterlogged and drenched. As the free-flowing cerulean waves receded, I prepared for them to flow right back. The chilly water surged and flowed around my feet and toes, sending once again chill down my spine. Wind swiftly wrapped my body, like arms around my chest. I was finally free, free as the place where I stood. I was finally calm.